A letter to my 2-weeks ago self

You’re going to be fine.

In hindsight, you knew you would. But that obviously didn’t save you from the restless nights, the panic attacks, or worst-case scenarios playing out in your head. But you can calm down!

Actually, it’s probably okay that you’re freaking out. It’s motivating! Just make sure you’re having these little episodes in front of no one. If anyone must see, let it be the people who are going to love you anyways.

I know you’re sick of the questions. “What are you doing now that you’ve graduated?” “What kind of work are you looking to do?” “What places are you looking at?” Well, you’ll answer those questions soon enough. Unsurprisingly, they’re still annoying, and you still won’t want to answer them, even though your responses have changed. You’ll start to question if all we ever care about is status and identifying ourselves in the jobs we hold.

You’re on the right path to finding yourself. Don’t worry about the job, because God will bring you the right one when you least expect it; and in less time than you think. Or maybe it’s not the right one? It’s too soon to tell, but I have that inkling that we’re right where we’re supposed to be at the moment.

Keep finding yourself, and what makes you happy. It doesn’t have to make you money yet. Even the people who love you most and are desperately trying to help you be happy can’t tell you what it is in the end. But be thankful for them anyways.

Life isn’t any easier once you find that job. Now there is actual work to do. But you’re helping people, and that’s good. It’s not the final destination, either, so just be happy where you are now.

Does this make sense? It’s okay if it doesn’t.

If you’ve paid any attention to this part of the Internet for the past few months, you’ll see I have no business being here. Obviously I don’t know how to keep up a blog, but I’m okay with that. I’ll continue to write as things to come me, whether it’s consistent or static for a while.

I have plenty of excuses to have not written over the past few months, excuses that I won’t bore you with here, but I’ll say that life got busy. Now that I’ve graduated from college and have (currently) nothing but time on my hands, some might say this is the perfect time to write again.

I’ll be honest: this terrifies me. What am I supposed to be writing about? What groundbreaking ideas do I have to share? Will I sound like I know what I’m talking about? Will anyone even care? On top of all these questions, these are the real reasons I haven’t been writing:

I haven’t had anything to say. As much as I enjoy writing, there hasn’t been anything that moved me enough to have to write about it. Yes, some momentous occasions took place over the past few months, but I didn’t feel the need to share them here. Which leads me to my next reason…

I’m still figuring out what this blog is about. I know what things I don’t want to share – like every life achievement or moment of my day. Because really, who needs to know that I binge-watched stand-up on Netflix yesterday? To me, important posts consist of lessons learned or sharing a story that I think people want to hear. That being said, I don’t see myself posing any deep philosophical questions all the time or promoting this blog as a spring of wisdom. This is a learn-as-you-go kind of deal – a revelation I came to recently.

Writing is a way for me to clear the thoughts buzzing around in my head. Sometimes my brain gets too full of crazy ideas that have a bunch of strings attached to them that get tangled, and writing them out helps me untangle the mess. Once it gets straightened out, I usually see a lesson through the nonsense, something worth posting.

Donald Miller says in his book Scary Close that a written work is supposed to do two things: “(1) communicate an idea and (2) make the writer sound intelligent.”

I’ve been wrestling with that statement for a few weeks, and finally realized that I hadn’t been writing because of the second part of what he said. I was afraid of sounding like I didn’t know what I was talking about.

The reason I want to write is not to convince anyone that I know what I’m doing. Because I really have no idea. I write for me. It’s a time to reflect and organize the millions of thoughts in my head. Believe me, this post has gone through numerous edits before being put online, and it’s alright that it’s still not perfect.

Writing has many purposes. For me, it is to clear my head and understand myself better. And that’s something I want to share with people. While not everything I write will resonate with everybody that may read it, the few that it might make sense to can appreciate it. And that’s all that matters to me.

So, here’s to future posts that will come from all the untangled places in my head, and here’s to forgetting what people think about them.